November 6, 2008

November 5, 2008

It Snowed the night the world was supposed to change.

October 29, 2008

I was taking Leroy for a walk yesterday and there were these 3 little fuckers with those crazy orange spray-on tans and the 'wind-from-below' hairdos sitting in a car - waiting at a light. One of them called out to me, "Hey, nice jacket!"

"Thanks."

" . . . for a Faggot! Heh . . .Heh . . .Heh . . ."

They thought they were pretty tough, 3 of them against 1 of me. But I've been a substitute teacher at a Jr. High which is very close to being a Juvie Guard and I've taken on 30 little fuckers like them at once - without violence. It was actually pretty comical that they thought they were being tough guys. I've seen tough guys before, these guys were little bitches trying to act like tough guys. It didn't suit them well.

Here was my response: "Yeah, do you guys want a blowjob?"

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"Blowjob! Do you want me to suck you guys off" *Blowjob*motion*

I was slowly walking away the entire time and all they did is hurl obscenities and me and wave their arms. As I walked away, every once in a while I would turn around and yell "blowjob" and make the blowjob motion.

October 21, 2008

Canmore ruled. It was The Camore Hotel's118th birthday party, which was already in full swing when we got there at 7PM. So we knew upon arrival that it was going to be a crazy nite.

It was one of those shows where we had to win over the crowd one song at a time.

Then we went upstairs and played music in the common room until 5 in the morning.

October 16, 2008

October 15, 2008

Dream 1:
We played a show at a University. A crappy gig middle of a hallway but the money was supposed to be pretty good. But then they tried to stiff us. So I went up the Accounting department to try to get our money. I was rebuffed. So I decided it was time for blood atonement. Luckily I had both an Uzi and a Shotgun on me. Otherwise I couldn't go on the bloodiest shooting rampage of all time!

I swept across the Accounting department popping everyone with the Uzi. Then I started making my way through the University blasting everyone in sight, teachers, students, janitors - everyone. Blam! Blam! Blam! Very bloody business. Then came some security guards and some police and after I got rid of them I new I had to get out of there because more would follow.

So, I worked my way to the parking lot and stopped a station wagon and blasted the driver in the chest with the shotgun. I opened the door and he tumbled out onto the ground. I looked into the car and I said to his passenger, "You'd better get out unless you want to end up like that fat ass."

Dream 2:
It was after the apocalypse and I playing music in all of these different camps to get by.

Dream 3:
Greg Cockerill was really drunk and he smashed my guitar. I cried and cried and cried. The dream seemed like it was a week long and I cried the whole time. Greg laughed at me. Once he started to sober up he felt a little bad for it but he said he wouldn't replace my guitar.

Oct 14, 2008

I'm posting this a day late:

That dude in the gopher suit was there along with a few thousand other RoughRiders fans in green. It was very strange but fun. The stage was set up in the middle of a baseball diamond. They gave us some free hot dogs and hamburgers after our show. Calgary won the game!

We're at The Canmore Hotel on Saturday the 18th. The last time we were there I puked all over one of the dingy little rooms they put the band up in. Perhaps that is why we haven't been asked back in years.

On the 25th October we're in Calgary at The James Joyce Pub.

September 23, 2008

I've tried for years to book a show at The Times Changed in Winnipeg and finally weaselled my way in. The show in Winnipeg was supposed to be the king pin in a trip out to Thunderbay but the Ontario shows fell through and an opportunity to play in Edmonton came up. So, I opted not to drive for 28 hours and flew to Winnipeg and then to Edmonton. Deon Blyan, who has been playing drums was in Winnipeg anyhow and Dylan got a flight with his employer for cheap, so it worked out pretty good.

I was at the Calgary Airport at 5:30 in my showtime suit and a Sombraro that Pete Balkwill (formerly of Cowpuncher, presently of The Agnostics) charged me with taking to the owner of The Times Changed. Deon was good enough to pick me up and take me to Mayor Matt Allen's house. Matt lives just North of downtown, just off Main St. He bought a turn of the century mansion with 3 floors and room after room after room and paid almost nothing for it. It's in a bit of a rough neighbourhood but it's close to downtown and close to the river so it can only get better. Much of Winnipeg looks much like it is 70 years after some kind of apocalypse. Beautiful abandoned and/or burnt buildings everywhere. Matt's neighbourhood has lots of both, plus junkies, crackheads, drunks, crazies, an old women shuffling around in her housecoat and everything. There was a house across from Matt's about a block down that was firebombed last winter. The story goes that someone jumped out of the window on fire and ran off into the night. Emergency workers followed the bloody footprints 8 blocks to find the body.

Dylan's showed up at Matt's at about 1pm and we went to every pawn shop we could find. When Deon was finished with his work duties the 3 of us got some beer and drank with Matt until it was show time and we headed down to the venue.

The Times Changed is in a building that was supposedly built by Mark Fortune, who went down with the Titanic in 1912. Much of Winnipeg feels like it went down with the Titanic. The bar reminded us of Calgary's beloved but lost Bar Named Sue, only a bit bigger. Mayor Matt Allen and his wife run the restaurant and the bar is run by the curmungeonly John Scoles. There is a smoke-filled speakeasy downstairs. One must go past a door that reads, "Staff and Bands Only."

The night was very slow. Nobody there remembered a Thursday night as slow as that one. But we played well. Dylan used Twisty's (from The DRangers) bass. Matt's Band - Mayor Matt Allen and The Little Buddies headlined (thank god). They played an epic 2 ½ hour set. Notables in his band were Grant Siemens of Corb Lund's band and of course Twisty on bass.

Soon it was 3AM and we made our way back over to Matt's - just before the real trouble was about to start. Dylan had to catch a plane back home at 5:30AM so he stayed up. I slept until noon and cabbed it down to the Times Changed for some of Matt's Mexican delights. When it was time for me to pay I found that I had left my wallet in the cab. When I called the cab company they relayed a message that the cabby couldn't find it. Mr. John Scoles was kind enough to give me $50 to get to the airport and I somehow made it onto a plane without ID, using a photograph of my passport that Kara emailed to me and I printed out in some WestJet backroom.

Haven Social Club in Edmonton is beautiful, geats stage, great sound system and great staff. But there was absolutely no walk in traffic. The bar is in the middle of no where, so anyone who comes, comes because you've asked them to come. We made exactly $0 on that show, even though they were charging $10 at the door. I guess the venue pays their staff first and then if there's anything left over they pay the band(s). Edmonton was our last show (at least for a while). It was our best show in a while, so it was a nice way to close out the summer season.

September 16, 2008

The Palomino show with Joey Only and Bob Wayne was a loud, sloppy mess. It was the right thing to do given the situation. Bob Wayne wasn't allowed into the country so he hopped a freight train to get across the boarder. At the end of the nite he told me we put on a 'classy' show. Ha

I also forgot to tell you something about our Tofield show, the one where Bruce was screaming at us to be our manager the whole time.

I forgot to tell you about the first set. We had Adam Strong from The Black Coffee Cowboys play with us on that show and was taking the drums up. He was late and the crowd was growing restless for us to start. This lady kept whining about how she couldn't stay to see us play because she had to get up early. So we did a Mariachi style set out front of the Hotel - just as the sun was setting. Everyone from the Bar came outside to watch in awe and silence and we played some songs.

It was a nice moment.

I don't think that lady will ever forget it.

September 9, 2008

Fernie was pretty cool. I was hoping to see a lot more hippies, there were none! Not even a single 50 year old filthbag hippy dude wearing a dress. Nothing, BC is losing it - big time.
We saw lots of Aussies and Frenchies though - kinda like Banff.

The New and Improved Bar Named Sue really has nothing in common with our old one that we knew, loved and miss. The owner bought a hotel and renovated the shit out of it. It is a real pro venue, more a kin to a Earls than an old shed. There are 2 floors of rooms. The 2nd floor has been converted into a hostel with all of the rooms having bunk beds and the top floor seemed to be reserved for staff.

The highlight of the night was when some drunk tried to get up on stage and I gave him a good chest poke with the end of my guitar - mid-song. I wonder if he too wanted to be our manager.

September 4, 2008

I forgot to tell you about Bruce!

Bruce was this drunk up North who insisted on being our manager. Bruce was certain that he could book us in all of these venues out in BC. The owner of the Tofield Hotel had to drag him away from the stage at one point. Later as I we were gearing up for the last set, he screamed at me to write the following down on the set list:

Tom Himbute
Mission BC
Manage us

"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!" - He screamed.

Sept 2, 2008

So how was the rest of your summer?

Did you get a sun burn? Fall in love? Break up?

Did you buy a new car? Did you move?

Did you start a new job?

Did you go out to BC?

We've been playing tons of shows all over the place. This weekend we went up to Tofield and Roundhill then played a parking lot party at the Labour Day Classic. The small town shows we're surreal - lots of strange characters that could have been extras in either Carnival or Deadwood. Before the Tofield show this lady was complaining because she had to go home because she worked early. So we did a quick acoustic set out front of the Hotel for her and the smokers. It was a perfect way to win over the town. It was a typical small town bar filled with the young kids, the old rummies, and the middle aged divorcees. It was strange to see a kid with a 2 foot Mohawk in a tough prairie town. At the end of the nite we made our way down to the Roundhill Hotel. I didn't actually see a hill in Roundhill and forgot to ask about that. But we did get to see these two dudes sleeping at their table. One of them ended up getting up and sleep walking around the bar and sleep eating some beef jerky.

The rooms upstairs were designed to resemble either a treatment center or a minimum security prison. Deon got the Honeymoon Suite which had a toilet in the corner.

The Roundhill bar was an all dude show for most of the nite. There was a baseball tournament so many of the patrons were in drag. Later the place filled up with Hutterites and bikers. The bikers loved us and we made out with some sweet "Zib's Oilfield Supply" shirts. When I asked Zib why everyone (dude and lady Hutterites included) was allowed to smoke in the bar, he replied that the cops didn't go to Roundhill.

The highlight of the Parking lot show was getting to sign the arm of some cougar. Yes! I've made it!

July 30, 2008

This is the house I bought the other day:

July 29, 2008

Holy, it's been too hot and I've been too busy to blog. Do people even read blogs anymore?
I've been moving, playing and practicing and not been in front of a computer much.

So we've played some great shows this summer. The best by far was the Hank & Patsy Nite over stampede. It was just one of those nites when all of the music gods came together and smiled kindly upon us. We had Doug Waite from The Ramblin' Ambassadors play guitar with us. Once we got off stage he told me that any band would have liked to play that show. "U2 would have liked to play that show." Yeah, it was that good. It was really nothing much that we did, we just played the show - it isn't up to us as to whether or not the show is good, bad or great.

We also got to play South Country Fair. Our time slot kind of sucked - 12:30PM on the Saturday but whatever it was a pleasure just to be there. On Friday nite I got to drink some weird hooch that Fred Eaglesmith was passing around back stage and he was telling stories about Bruce Cockburn's weird budget facelift. We also got to meet and hang out with is band - it was almost too much to take in. About 5 years ago I was watching a documentary about Fred Eaglesmith and that is what inspired me to start a county band. So it was a pretty amazing moment to be drinking Fred's weird hooch and to be playing at the same festival as he.

As for moving, the Gentlemen's club is empty and ready for the new owners. I gave almost everything I own to various hillbilly neighbours. It's great how greedy people get when they find out that everything is FREE! They go crazy and take all of the junk and crap they can carry in their chubby arms. All of a sudden they've got their friend's with limps and missing teeth carting stuff out. It was great. To hell with garage sales!

Matti - you better come and get this keyboard or it's going into the dumpster.

July 4, 2008

Sled Island was a gruelling ordeal of noise, bands and insufferable hipsters. It was a tough slog. Some of the bands I wanted to see were crappy, many of the bands I never wanted to see or see again, but there were a couple of jewels out there.

The Secret Machines - purveyors of stoner rock ala Witch and Black Mountain. So good and dark. I looked them up on MySpace and none of their songs sound like what I heard at the 2 shows I saw of them over Sled Island.

Mogwai - Predicably, Mogwai blew my head off. It is reassuring that a band that plays 12 minute long songs with no singing can headline a festival.

Okkervil River - As Spider put it, "What do you think of the singer's haircut?" Not really the feedback one wants from a show is it?

June 25, 2008

Here's a better pic of the hats:

I actually made up a few different styles but this is the design that had the highest feedback from the test group.

June 24, 2008

Hola Amigos!

Sorry, it's been a while since I rapped to you all.

We sold the Gentlemen's club. Pretty much everything there is up for grabs. Our old neighbour JR is taking the brunt of our treasures. I've also got a vintage aluminum office desk that I rescued from an abandoned factory a few years ago. I love it but it's quite heavy and I move around too much to want to lift and carry it every few years. I think it would look great in your home office and/or real office. You can have the chair too if you want.

I've been heading down to crackhead park (17th Ave. and 8th St SW) here and there to play a little hacky sack. You should come down sometime, it's quite the scene. There are teen prostitutes, and prostitutes that have been thru the meat-grinder (no pun intended), crackheads (obviously), high school dropout pot dealers, shirtless tough guys, hippies, fortune-tellers, rummies and some of the best darn hacky sackers you'll ever see.

Here is the summer schedule:

9-Jul, Ship and Anchor Pub, Calgary, AB
19-Jul, South Country Fair Fort MacLeod, AB
24-July, Marquee Room, Calgary, AB (MO SOLO)
25-Jul, Twin Butte Store, Twin Butte, AB
1-Aug, Gitters Pub, High River, AB
16-Aug, Wedding Show
21-Aug, Nanton Hotel Auditorium, Nanton, AB
22-Aug, The Slice, Lethbridge, AB
23-Aug, The Stop, Black Diamond, AB
29-Aug, Tofield Hotel, Tofield, AB
30-Aug, Roundhill Hotel, Roundhill, AB

There's also talk about going out to The New Bar Named Sue in Fernie and out to Thunderbay in Sept. I'll keep you posted.

Also, I've got a shipment of Cowpuncher hats in. Here is Jimmy the dog sporting one while enjoying a glass of water at Greg Cockerill's jam at the Broken Jug.

June 10, 2008

I just ordered some Cowpuncher stickers. Let me know if you need one for home or business. They might also look good on your nieghbour's house or on a cop car or something.

June 2, 2008

We went to explore an abandoned neighbourhood in the South East of Calgary on Sunday and take some pictures. I ran into a crackhead looter who thought I was there to take pictures of him. He tried to take my camera away but I'm still more spry than your average crackhead.

In this one garage we found what looked to be a trap-door so I wanted to look around for something to pry it open. I came upon what looked to be an old tent in the corner. So I went to crab a tent pole to use as a pry bar and instead found a couple of old decrepit .22 rifles.

I kind of wish I could have confronted the camera stealing crackhead looter Rambo style with a rifle in each hand - "Say Cheese!"

Sadly though he and his accomplice had already left.

I want to go back for this sign:

With all of the excitement we totally forgot about the trap-door!

May 26, 2008

Friday - Went to see The Swifty's on Friday. They were good. Then I went to see one of Lance Loree's bands called the Wandering Volhynians. They were excellent despite the hard to pronounce name. Between sets I went up to say hi to Lance and I've never seen anyone get the celebrity treatment like he got. In the 10 minutes I was standing beside him he must have had 30 people come up to shake his hand and say hi. Even all the guys from The Swifty's came down to say hi to him.

Saturday - Went down to High River to play a show with Dylan. When they found out that his dad was Mark Sadiler Brown (from The Alien Rebels) we got the red carpet treatment. We had a great time. We're back on Aug 1.

Sunday - Rainy Lilac Fest. Saw The Billy Manzik band. My friend Jeff Hillhurst plays with them among other bands. I'd never scene them before, but wow - they kicked ass. They are the real deal - they play all over Alberta, they just got back from a run into Vancouver and are heading out to Ontario in the fall. Billy is one of those guys that is best friends with someone after talking to them for 5 min.

May 23, 2008

If Hitler went to Burning Man he'd build the scariest fucking art car, black with huge flames and skulls. People would see it and shit their pants. Shit thier pants!

I'm playing Gitters Pub in High River tomorrow. I'm going down with Dylan Sadler Brown. I've played with Dylan a few times. He's basically a walking rockabilly legend. He plays a US Navy issue aluminum upright bass, painted with with flames and drives a matching Lincoln. He's toured with Billy Cowsill.

Dylan once gave me some great advice: Always take the gig.

Check out this article about Dylan and the Cowsills: http://bapresley.com/silverthreads/history/magazine/thatvoice.html

May 20, 2008

Despite having 2 players bail out on the show last minute, we pulled of the show in Lethbridge. The week leading up to the show was one of the most stressful on record but we played a great show and had the time of our lives. At 4 in the morning (sharing a bed with a 200 pound man) I tried to think about the last time I'd had that much fun. It must have been years and years.

Highlights:

Run in with the Cops
A certain band member puking all over the parking lot
The man with 3 arms

I really can't believe we pulled the whole thing off. We kicked that town right in the balls and then put it to bed.

May 16, 2008 - Ya Followin' me camera guy?

I love this Shamwow commercial - almost enough to order a pack of Shamwows for myself. I love these fast talkin' carney product demo guys. Why does he have to wear the headset for the commercial? Maybe he can't sell without his headset.

We're heading down to Lethbridge tomorrow for a show at The Slice. Shawn went on his Paternity leave so the one and only Greg Cockerill is playing lead. Here is the video he made with County Fair, filmed at the now defunct Bar Named Sue:

May 9, 2008

Things I've been doing:

Sleeping under my boss's desk in the mid-afternoon when no one else is around (only once). My cover story if anyone looked in was to pretend I was working on his computer.

Bike riding - Bike riding rules! You don't have to worry about parking, tickets, you don't have to follow the rules of the road and you don't have to worry as much about drinking and biking. I've never heard about someone getting pulled over for booze 'n biking. Although I'm sure this has happened. The only down side is if the weather turns on you. I've been riding this sweet fold up bike that used to belong to Kara's mom. It looks a little like a clown bike.

Video Games - In the last month or so, I've gone a few times to various games rooms where one may rent a computer for $4.00 an hour to play video games. These places are modern day opium dens. They are filthy and smell like sweat and losers. The last time I went, the dude beside me was listening and watching this music video from some 16 year old pop starlet. This man was about 35 and overweight and I think he might have been a little touched if you know what I mean. But he was belting out the lyrics and clapping and seat-dancing with all his heart.

Writing Songs - I've got a couple on the go. I went a long time without writing anything and began to think that perhaps I'd never write another one again. So I thought I'd learn some songs that other people wrote. I like writing songs with other people and have another couple on the go that Shawn and Jay came up with. Shawn is kind of already on his Paternity leave so that's a little sad.

Waiting For The House To Sell - This is going less than great.

April 30, 2008

April 29, 2008

God. I'm a grifter magnet. Sorry to anyone who had to endure that baroom conman at the Palomino last Friday.

I've been told that I'm not allowed to talk to guys in old army coats anymore.

April 22, 2008

My car won't die.

You may recall that a few months ago someone drove into the side of my car. I was so happy because I was sure it was written off and that I'd get enough $$$ to get something else. Sadly though, it was only $1500 worth of damage so I got it fixed and now one side is much shinier than the other.

This weekend, my car was hit twice! Twice! Whose car gets hit twice in the same weekend?

The first time was at a red light. This guy couldn't stop in time and slid into the back of my car. It was a good smack so I thought I'd be getting a shiny new bumper. But no. Nothing. No damage. I took the dude's name and number and let him go.

The next morning when went out my car, someone had hit the mirror and took the plastic cover off the mirror. The mirror is still there and its one of those automatic ones it still works and everything. It just looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger towards the end of a Terminator movie.

Hey, check out this note that was taped to the back of Kara's apartment. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it's a good idea to put a sign on the door that says "Door Doesn't Close." It's kind of like putting a sign on the door that says, "Hey Crackheads! Come on in! Take what you like and poop in the hallway!"

I like the part where it says, "You know who you are." How do they know I know who I am?

April 18, 2008

So I wanted to do my own comparison. What was on the inside of the can looks surprisingly close to what is advertised on the label.

Also, check out these bitchin' T-shirts from Goatboy:

April 16, 2008

You know how Vancouverites are always going on and on about how bad things are on East Hastings? If we were to believe the stories, a leisurely stroll down East Hastings would result in getting hooked on Mexican Black Tar Heroin and turning tricks with knocked out teeth within hours.

Well, I had to find out for myself. So off to Vancouver I went. While I did find some drugs on the ground (for some reason I check discarded cigarette packages even though I don't even smoke) I didn't even come close to being turned into a male prostitute. In fact, Vancouver has nothing on Calgary when it comes to junkies, crackheads and outcasts. There's more of them and they all hang out on the same couple of blocks, but East Hastings was nothing I hadn't seen before from right outside my office window.

They do seem to have better Grifters and Con artists out there.

"I'm not a bum. I didn't come out to Vancouver to live on the streets. But my tools were stolen and . . . . . "

I came across a minstrel who was wondering around with a guitar trying to hustle $$$ for songs. He asked my buddy and me what kind of music we liked.

"Country."

"Ohhhh. I don't really know any . . ."

"How much money do I have to give you to play your guitar?"

"Uh. $2."

"I've got $.50."

"You've got to give me more."

Jason, my friend fished some loonies out of his pocket.

"How many songs are you going to play? Oh. You're playing it upside down."

I played him a Hank III song and then to his dismay spun his guitar on my finger just like a Globetrotter with a basketball.

Jason laughed and laughed and laughed.

"He was trying to scam us and we ended up scamming him!"

April 7, 2008

You know that movie Election? With Reese Witherspoon? Well, if Calgary was a movie character, we'd be Reese Witherspoon's try-hard, anal, no-fun, nerdy character in cheap shoes.

The second we ge any attention the whole city squeals and sends out memos to their friends and neighbours: "Remember to brush and floss your teeth - the Junos are coming!"

God are we going to talk about the Junos for the next 20 years like we did with the Olympics?

"Remember how we all smiled and held hands for 3 days straight for the 2008 Junos?"

Also, how many more articles can these hack journalists write about Feist? Do journalist get paid by the word? If so, do they get paid double for the words Juno and Feist?

"Hey, let's see how many times we can cram the words Feist and Juno into this article!"

"Dude! Great idea!"

"Juno, Juno, Feist, Feist, Juno, Juno, Juno, Juno, Feist. Feist. Feist. Feist. Junos! Junos! Feist! JUNOS! Feist. Feist. Juno, juno Junos Feist" - Can I work for the Calgary Sun now?

Here's an even better idea - you guys can make a coffee table book about the toilets Feist uses. Get your publisher to give you some $$$ to follow her on tour and take pictures of her toilets. You'll be fucking millionares!

Be sure to make some kind of 1, 2, 3, 4 reference. Something like - "Number 1 and 2- the toilets of Feist."

April 3, 2008

If you missed the Black Mountain show the other night then I feel sorry for you.

Holy crap! What an amazing band!

April 2, 2008

I found another wallet. Since December, I've found AND returned a frozen (but still working) cell phone, and 2 wallets. The 2nd wallet had $10 cash and a Mastercard. I found it outside of Kara's apartment after a bender at A Bar Named Sue last Friday. And after a good snooping (she had just bought some new shoes at Gravity Pope for $265) I endeavoured to return the wallet to the rightful owner. It was about 2 in the morning but there was clearly a raging party going on inside the apartment whose address matched that of the drivers license.

It happened to be the very same apartment of the little brat woman who complained about Leroy peeing on the front lawn of the apartment. While she had a fair point, she was a total bitch in her delivery and although I accepted her complaint and don't allow Leroy to pee on the front lawn - after our exchange all I wanted to do was punch her in the mouth.

So I knock on her door and it swings open and there is the little brat woman.

"Who are you?" (Don't you remember complaining to me about my dog? Or when I held the door open for you that time and you didn't say thank you?)

"Is there a Tanya here?"

"NO! I'm Tanaya!"

"Well, you left your wallet outside."

"OH! Thanks." Door slams on my nose.

Little bitch - I think to myself.

I should have just thrown her wallet in the garbage.

So, this is the only picture I have from the last weekend at A Bar Named Sue:

The show from The Greg Cockerill band was outta-site.

March 27, 2008

Hey did you guys check out the Nazi rally in Calgary on Saturday?

Frick, I miss them every time! What an opportunity to live out some kind of Blues Brothers scene in real life!

In my opinion, the people that showed up to protest the Knuckle Dragging Nazis are just about as stupid as the Nazis themselves. The local branch of the Aryan Guard are most likely are a bunch of dumb, misguided, angry dip-shits who just want a little attention. If we all just ignored them, they'd certainly crawl back under whatever rock they came from.

Also, if you're going to make an Anti-Aryan Guard group, for Christ sakes come up with a bad-ass name. I mean does a name for a gang get any tougher than The Aryan Guard? Just by thinking of that name I can almost hear old grannies shutting their blinds and wringing their hands.

So, if you're going to start a rival gang, why the hell would you give yourselves the most awkward name you can come up with?

The Flag Bearers of the Counter Culture?

How stoned where you guys when you came up with that? Did your mom's help you name your gang? Or was it a committee decision?

I can hear the Nazis now, "Oh no! Run! Run for your lives! Here come The Flag Bearers of the Counter Culture! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I'm going to spend exactly 5 seconds and come up with a name better than that:

Nazi Stompers

Not bad, eh?

I know where a bunch of them live - they use the bus stop up by my house. If any of you FBOTCC members can borrow one of your moms mini-vans, we could grab us up a Nazi from the bus stop; dress him in drag and drop him off downtown and take lots of pictures for all to see. As if we'd do much time if we got caught kidnapping and sexually humiliating Nazis. I think I'd be proud to do a bit of time for that anyhow.

It's been about a decade since I've been in any kind of trouble with the law. Plus, I heard that my high-school girlfriend is a cop here, so that'd pretty cool to throw in some scorned high-school love into the mix.

I just thought of another name that's better than FBOTCC:

Nazi Rapers!

This came in the mail today. I'm putting it on my resume:

March 25, 2008

The Easter Weekend Southern Alberta Adventure went quite well.

No births and no deaths!

Out of the 4 sets played only 1 didn't go well.

On Friday in Nanton Lance sat in with us and played Pedal Steel in place of Shawn. I was pretty proud when a few songs in he looked over and said, "you're doing just fine Matt."

They took down pictures of our ex-girlfriends in The Auditorium and said that they'd put one up of us. I'll be pretty cool to be on the same wall as Fred Eaglesmith, Willie P. Bennett, Corb Lund and others. They warned me that it's a rotating wall and that only 8 pics are part of the permanent collection, but it's still pretty cool.

On Saturday, Shawn, Sam Masterton and I headed down to Nanton and played with Lance, one of his friends and a dude named Joey Only (get it?), who's this rockabilly outlaw from Vancouver, who came to work at the Nanton Hotel for the winter. Cool kid.

We then rushed down to Lethbridge for a couple of sets at the Slice. Our friend Tyler Bird brought his upright bass out and played with us. The sound was awful; the owner makes pizzas, pours the drinks and does the sound. Our first set was a right off, but we got it back on the tracks for the second set and afterwards hit the town.

We went to 'Sound Garden' in Lethbridge, which is basically the bar that time forgot. Perhaps it was 1998 nite or something. But holy crap, what a collection of creepy men in moustaches and baffed out cougars! Someone's mom was screeching at the doorman because she got kicked out for extreme drunkenness or perhaps it was her skin tight high-top jeans or perhaps it was a combination.

March 18, 2008

I'm playing with Steve Coffey & The Lokels in Nanton on both Friday and Saturday. I'll be playing with members of the Lokels (Pat Philips and Lance Loree) on Friday. Shawn will be pluckin' the Banjo with us onSaturday. Then after the Saturday Nanton show, Shawn and I'll be haulin' tail down to Lethbridge to play with Sam Masterton & gang.

March 11, 2008

We had to be at a wedding at 11AM in Banff on Saturday. At 9:02, we stopped at the Tim Horton's for a couple of Bacon Egg Lettuce Tomato Bagels (Belt) and coffees. There are signs all over the restaurant for the BELT but the girl behind the counter who didn't speak much English kept on ringing in BLT sandwhiches. I had to point the sign above her head - "No! Belt! Belt!"

"BLT?"

"NO! BELT! BELT!"

"BLT?"

"BELT! BELT!"

The Belt is $3.69. So for 2 coffees and 2 Belts it should have been about 10 bucks with taxes. She kept trying to charge us $16.

Finally someone came over and helped her with her math and gave her a quick in-service on the differences between a Belt and BLT - we went to the waiting area. We waited and waited with all of the other people there in the waiting area. About 10 of us were waiting for our various bagels and sandwiches. There was a single 14 year old boy slowly putting all of our meals together. The crowd began to rumble with complaints. So I decided to ask if we could perhaps get our money back for the Belts because people that were in the waiting area behind us were getting their sandwiches before us and we had to go. They didn't even have our order on their computer. So I lose it and turn into Jr. High substitute teacher mode and start bellowing at them to either give us or money back or give us our order - this is ridiculous!

"What kind of Bagel do you want?"

"WHATEVER KIND I CAN GET IN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS!"

They quickly handed me a bag and we ran to the car and hit the road - it was 9:40.

In the bag was the complete wrong order.

No Belts.

On the way back from the wedding, we went to the ghost town of Seebe. I totally forgot about Seebe claim to fame - so I forgot to see if the world's smallest curling rink is still standing.

March 3, 2008

I got free tickets to see Corb Lund the other night. This is about the 5th or 6th time I've seen him, but if you add in the amount of times I've seen The Smalls it's more like 20 or 30. This was the Corb Lund show in memory but I'm a little sad that he's getting so popular. He's puts on more of a Stadium show these days and I preferred his bar room show of years past. He does costume changes now. The first costume is this bizarre Civil War Cavalry outfit. I'm not sure about his one. For me the show perked up for the second costume - a suit and cowboy hat. Much less weird. Seriously, what's the deal with the Civil War outfit?

I was wearing my shiny shirt, which I have pretty much been wearing non-stop since I bought a few weeks ago. While I was looking for a bathroom, I went down this hallway near the stage and came into the room filled with the opening band and various hangers on. I still needed a bathroom, so I turned around and found myself surrounded by a bunch of dudes in black suits and CIA style ear phones- you know the ones with the little wire that goes behind their ears. I guess that since I was wearing my shiny shirt that they assumed I belonged back stage. I just nodded at them in that 'Good-Job-Boys' sort of way and continued my search for the bathroom.

My shiny shirt gets me into places you can't go

Check this out!

Did you know that we can get eyeball tattoos now?

February 25, 2008

If you missed our show at the Palomino on Saturday, then you missed what was one of our worst shows ever. If my math is correct, it was the 6th worst Cowpuncher show.

1) Nanton Hotel - This show was soul crushing. I wanted to never play music again after this show. It was humilating. We were opening for Washboard Hank and afterwards he put his hand on my shoulder and said to keep trying. It was nice for him to say that. It seemed like he really felt bad for me.

2) Palomino - Our first show there was terrible. The soundman made us all deaf. I think he was fired.

3) Caroline - This trip was fun in the end, but we sucked and Caroline wasn't too forgiving of a green country band. When we stopped playing we didn't even get a pity clap - not even from Jay's dad who drove in to sit quietly at the back. There was this 300 pound dude with over-sized novelty sunglasses - I had the same ones when I was 10. At the end of the night he was drinking the drippings off of the waitress' tray.

4) Rose & Crown Banff - Same tour as the Caroline show. Afterwards I went to this all nite coke party with a bunch of townies. I don't think I'd ever scene cocaine in real life before. If I had it would have certainly been in small quantities. In Banff it seemed like the whole town had a little paper folder filled with blow. This girl asked me if I wanted a bump. I didn't even know what a bump was. So I declined. I felt like I was in a scene from Scarface.

5) Broken Jug - Last fall when Shawn was at Luthier school, we played an afternoon show there. I had bought this mickey of Golden Wedding. The 2nd cheapest whiskey I could find. But it was 2 in the afternoon and Pat was hungover from playing a show with Matt Masters the night before and no one else was interested. So I was taking swigs of cheap whiskey in the parking lot behind the bar by myself. We played before about 4 rummies who kept screaming for us to play some country music. "We're trying. We're trying" I thought.

6) Palomino Feb 08 - We played with Korey Istace, who blew us the fuck off the stage. Korey has an amazing sandpaper and gravel voice. There were about 20 burly rockabilly girls there who I'm hoping were roller derby queens. At one point it looked like they were taking photos of this one girl's crotch. We sucked. I gave my camera to Kara so she could get in on the crotch action but she wasn't interested in any rockabilly crotch that night.

February 21, 2008

I was in Edmonton the other day and had a headache and went to my favorite part of etown -118th Ave. It's pretty much abandoned other than some rent-to-own stores, a couple pharmacys, and a handful of Chinese restaurants.

On my way into the Pharmacy a crackhead tried to sell me 4 pills for $5.

"Please! Please!"

I declined.

I paid $7 for 12 Advil and almost chocked on one. I thought I'd be a tuff guy and swallow it without water. It promptly got stuck and then I got stuck in the exit area, between the two sets of doors. I somehow made it outside, back around the building, inside, to the refigerator, to the till, paid for my water and could feel the water trickling aroudn the stuck pill in my throat. It fnally cleared and made its way merrily to my headache.

February 15, 2008

It's payday, and warm, and nobody in the city feels like working.

The teachers are even skipping out on their convention to walk down 17th avenue and max out their credit cards on new shoes.

The winos are passing around bottles and showing gap-toothed smiles.

"The streets are brown and gritty."

It's 3:10 and I'm leaving fo the day.

February 12, 2008

The Show at The Sue ruled on Sat. I think that was the first time we sold out, which at The Sue is 5 people! So that was cool. There was lots and lots of groping. I've never seen so many creepy dudes groping girls! Men are disgusting! Its nice to know that I'm not the creepiest guy out there. Yes! At least I've got that going for me.

Hey! Its election time in Alberta again. And with the power of bordom and the internet one can go to various hopfull's websites and see what the hell they're about.

The only outfit to promise to increase funding for the arts is the Liberals. So you guys are front runners for me at this point:

Alberta Liberal Action Plan for Arts and Culture

* Double Alberta Foundation for the Arts funding immediately and triple it within three years.
* Pursue Status of the Artist legislation.
* Launch an Alberta Arts Festival, equivalent to the Alberta Games.

(I'll link right to the Arts and Culture page using this pictue of Kevin Taft casually hanging out with a bunch of fun lovin' college kids. The look on his face is "Try to look cool. Try to look cool. Try to look cool." I think the kid with the glasses and the hat has his hand on Kevin's ass.)

February 8, 2008

I would like you to ask yourself something.

I want you to ask yourself where you were when they opened the very first public toilet in Calgary.

Where?

Where where you?

Well, when I ask myself that very question I say to myself, "That's right asshole, we were there! (I refer to myself as 'we' when I'm speaking to myself - is that weird?). "

"We were there when it happened!"

"We saw it all!"

"We did it!"

I also got a picture of the very first patron, my old buddy Alderman John Marr. At the time of this posting, it is unclear whether or not he pooped or peed. You'll see in the right hand side of the below picture a reporter waiting to see how it went. None of the 3 or 4 reporters waiting outside the bathroom asked him if he pooped or peed. They were all asking about what this meant to the city and why is this important and blah, blah, blah . . .

Morons.

Ok, I'm adding this second pic where you can see John answering questions. Let's just say that for the sake of arguement they did ask the most important question of the day. Let's just pretend that they asked him if he pooped or peed.

"Johh, John, Donny Dipshit from the Calgary Chronicle. Calgarians want to know, as the first person to use Calgary's pay toilet did you poop or pee? Was it number 1 or number 2?"

The look on John's face tells it all:

February 7, 2008

My very special bird friend died mysteriously but peacefully last night.

I once told him that no one would ever love him as much as I would and he believed me.

Here is a picture of him on what turned out to be our last night together.

Here are some pics from an abandoned Motel in Edmonton - The Cromdale. It was 40 below or something and I couldn't find a way in. So I just took pictures of the signs:

January 29, 2008

Questions asked to me my Business Students at a recent Seminar and my answers.

So, you're in Marketing?

Online Marketing (Every one of them nodded like they knew what his meant.

Then I would explain and they would all go 'Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

How did you get in to Marketing?

When I got kicked out of University I learned about websites and ended up starting my own business.

You got kicked out of University? (this is when they stopped wanting to talk with me)

Yes, but they eventually let me back in.

What advice can you give to someone with a BCom when applying to jobs?

None. I don't have a BCom. I have a teaching degree.

What does your typical day look like?

I spend a lot of time in front of a computer

What do you like best about your job?

I don't have someone looking over my shoulder (although, I literally do, I figuratively don't)

What is that tattoo on your arm?

It's a Moose. I got it after my first divorce.

You got a divorce?

These things happen. I'm still looking for my next ex-wife.

January 23, 2008

Ok, Ok, Ok!

I've done a lot of crummy things in my day.

I've Lied.

I've cheated.

I've been creepy. Everyone knows that. Ask around. They'll tell you.

But if your name is Shahram then you now officially owe me a solid. You see Shahram, you didn't notice when your wallet fell out of your pocket and spilled out onto the street.

A crackhead and I both came upon it at the same time (you were no where to be found) and it seems I'm a little more spry than your average crackhead because I was able to scoop up all your money (2 Canadian fives and 1 American) and cards and everything before the crackhead had a chance.

Instead of taking your American Express and your Visa to Holt Renfrew to buy a couple of Hugo Boss suits I called your office and left a message with both your voicemail and your bitchy receptionist.

That's right Shahram, when they ask you - you tell them I'm alright.

January 21, 2008

Hey, how was your weekend?

Great!

Mine was pretty cool - I even got to go to the dump. Yep, pretty cool, right up until some dumbass drove into the side of my car when I was leaving Blockbuster yesterday.

Leroy's weekend was a little rough too. He's very smooth underneath though. Very smooth!

January 17, 2008

So you know how I hate it when people try to chat in the washroom? Well, this slightly weird older guy was chatting away with me at Super Store last night and while it was a little creepy - I'm ok with it. I wasn't sure if he was just a little wierd or he was trying to hump me. He was about 50-something and well-dressed and groomed and was REALLY interested what I was buying. Thank God I wasn't buying hemmrhoid cream or genital warts medication or something.

We were both buying the SAME salad!

Anyway, I guess its better to have 50-something dudes try to hump you than no one at all.

Please Dear God, will someone buy this truck for me? Please? Please? I'll be good I swear. This time, I'll be good.

January 15, 2008

Crap! I forgot to tell you that the person in line in front of me at the Bar at the mix 'n match music night passed out at my feet. Here is what I do when someone drops to ground in front of me:

1 - Squat by his/her head and repeat stupidly "Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!" into his/her unblinking eyes.

2 - Once he/she comes back to life and people that are more excitable than I start clucking and flapping around I continue my journey (in this case directly to the bartender).

This is the 2nd time someone has passed out front of me in a month. The other time, the passer-outer hit the buffet table first before coming to rest at my toes.

January 14, 2008

I went to Grandstand - Collaborative Festival of Calgary Independent Music & Art (long title!) on Saturday and it was some of the best $14 I've spent in a while. Basically it was a mix 'n match with a bunch of different bands. The reason festivals like to do this is because sometimes magic happens and sometimes disaster happens and sometimes disaster and magic meet somewhere in the middle. The Woodpigeon/Neighbourhood Council/Azeda Booth collaboration was incredible! Normally I find Woodpigeon's shows a little sleepy (I love their CD's mind you), but the collaboration the other night was memorizing! It was also great to see some local musicians get the kind of platform and attention they deserve. Too often, we don't give local artists in our own backyard the respect and support they deserve.

January 10, 2008

It's hard to get my lungs and fingers do to what my brain wants. It really hard to make a song sound the way it sounds in my head. So firstly the songs never come out the way I intend or want them too (on the other side though, every once in a while the accidental songs rule, the ones where I'm sitting in front of the TV plunking away at the guitar and humming that suddenly turn out to be amazing songs). Then, I'll write something that I think is totally bitchin' and then ½ the time I'm the only one in the world that thinks that way. Though, I am glad to have good friends around to let me know when a song sucks.

We practice and practice in the basement or in Pat's basement or in Jay's living room and we get a handful of songs that we think we can play in front of a room full of people and the whole thing can go to shit over nothing at all. Then sometimes, like the other night a couple of us can show up at an empty bar and with the help of a Glockenspiel the music gods can smile upon us.

January 7, 2008

Hey! How were your holidaze? Isn't it clever when people spell holidays like that? People are so clever.

Things I did over the last 2 weeks:

Started a small house fire (pillows and candles don't mix)
Slept
Took pictures - Thanks mom and dad for the camera - I promise I won't loose this one!
Looked at houses (The Huntington Hills Gentlemen's Club is for sale soon)
Hung out in Edmonton - I highly recommend The Punjab Indian Buffet: $11.99! It's in an old Wendy's or something
Went to a wedding
Went to the legion - Nice Job Mr. Masters
Played board games
Played video games
Looked after people's houses - I did not break your filing cabinet Asher!
Took back $150 worth of empties!
Recycled about 3 computers from the junk pile in our office

December 19, 2007

I'm thinking of making some changes to the site, such as taking out all of the navigation and blah, blah, blah.

We'll see how it works.

Anyways, here's what's on my mind:

Dear Beddington Dollar Store,

I'm sorry I bought the wrong light bulbs. I should have been paying more attention to my purchases. However, I still think your return policy sucks. Even Value Village lets people bring back merchandise! In any event, I am now well aware of your 'NO RETURN! NO EXCHANGE!' policy as stated on your receipt given to me after I've made my purchases an only noted upon my attempt to make an exchange. I hope you were able to make good use of the light bulbs I left upon your counter.

Dear Keuirg,

Your reusable K-Cup® filter assembly, which allows me to use my own gourmet ground coffee in Yancy's Keurig® brewer is a piece of crap and only lasted about 2 weeks. Since the last one we bought fell apart we were extremely careful with this one. Extremely! Damn your crappy K-cup filter assembly. Damn it to hell!

December 17, 2007

Some pics from the Show at A Bar Named Sue:

Pics by Brad Simm.

December 13, 2007

So the show at the Ship last nite was pretty cool.

The first band was called I Blame Robot. They need to get a new laptop for their drum machine. Other than that I liked the matching skull bandanas.

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mattolah@mattolah.com